The 7 Annoying Habits of Highly Irritating People
Coworkers who make you wish you could run the office by yourself
The Reply-All’er
The email enters your inbox with a call to action: “Please let me know if you’ll be attending.” There are 63 other names on it and not a one of them bcc’d.
Oh no, here we go again.
Your inbox lights up like a Christmas tree all day with reply-all emails and follow-up reply-all emails apologizing for the accidental reply-all emails.
When you can’t take it any longer you email Hana in Communications to make fun of the reply-all idiots but are horrified to discover that you, in fact, have also replied-all.
The Always On Leave’er
It’s the corporate retreat, and you’d rather have a colonoscopy sans anaesthesia than attend another one of these things. You take a long, hard swig of vodka from your corporate-branded BPA water bottle and reluctantly join your team for trust falls.
Fun fact: you’re being asked to fall twice, because guess who’s absent again? Darleen from Accounts! Darleen has taken Bereavement Leave to mourn the loss of her gerbil, Bert, who has passed.
You wrack your brains for a single memory of Darleen ever mentioning a gerbil. You hate her so much in this moment, but a piece of you also admires Darleen from Accounts, for her carefree ingenuity.
The Jargonator
“Is that a legacy hand?” asks William from Strategy from his Zoom rectangle with a douchy virtual background of the Taj Mahal. You have no idea what he’s talking about, so you do not respond.
He tries again. “Is that a legacy hand you’ve left up on your screen?” What is this idiot saying, you wonder.
“Lisa, can you lower your hand or do you have another question?” he tries one last time.
Oh, that’s me!
“Sorry,” you mumble and lower your raised hand. “No problem,” he responds, followed by his next sentence, “I am a twat”.
Well, what he really says is “Okay, Folks let’s table this and circle back when we have the bandwidth,” so, same.
The Collector
Peggy is finally getting out of this shithole. She’s secured a better job with better pay. You must now cover Peggy’s job in addition to your own because HR has decided to indefinitely hold off on replacing her while they “re-evaluate the corporate structure”.
But that’s not the only thing you must cover, no siree, because you’ve been asked to contribute money towards a farewell gift for dear Peggy.
You have no intention to contribute, but like a teen going out with their friends, The Collector smells your cash from across the hallway. She’s at your office door with a collection envelope asking you to cough it up for Peggy.
And while she’s here, a retirement gift for George, a baby shower for Jenn, and a flower arrangement for distraught Darleen on the loss of her gerbil.
The Misprounouncer
Every workplace has one. The Mispronouncer unabashedly butchers words. They say things like renumeration, kudo, and in a timely mannerism.
They email you regarding about the new process changes. They bring a charshooterie board to the holiday potluck and is the staff lead for accredidation.
The Mispronouncer is the Resident Idiot, and no one has the heart to tell them.
The Giver of Time
The meeting that was meant to end at 11:00 ends at 10:58. Don’t say it, you think. Don’t you fucking say it. Christian opens his mouth. At first, you think maybe it’s a yawn, or perhaps a sneeze. But then, he purses his lips to form a perfect p-sound and you know it’s a-comin’.
“Please enjoy having 2 minutes back in your day,” he says unironically, triggering your sarcasm tic.
Oh goody!
Will you use these 2 minutes to solve world peace? Take a Peloton class? Finally get that growth on your forehead checked out? The options are endless and you thank him profusely for his generosity and honouring the company’s commitment to wellness.
The Hardest Worker
Courtney needs everyone to know that she worked until 9 P.M. every night this week. What she neglects to share but everyone knows is that she also did not work between 9 A.M. and 8:45 P.M. on those same days because she spends her workdays posting TikToks of herself to her public feed.
Courtney will ensure that at 9 P.M. she logs back on to reply-all to the email regarding Darleen’s medical leave for an infected papercut with a link to the GoFundMe.
This story originally appeared in Jane Austin’s Wastebasket.
Darleen has reported you to HR for hate speech because you failed to understand the importance of her emotional support gerbil.
I had to be the collector once and it was the worst! I gave myself the finger with every ask.