“These people paid actual money to learn how to orgasm their baby out when I’m willing to bet my life savings on the fact that most of them didn’t even orgasm their baby in.”
Please forgive my impertinence, but I must share this thought:
Part of me wonders if that is because their child was conceived with the medical equivalent of a turkey baster, or if it's because their "men" are rather lacking in bed.
Hilarious story and great writing. As a four-time boulder pusher-outer, me and my vagina think there’s nothing funnier than people thinking they’re gonna hypno-chakra-manifest their way out of the physical experience
Natural birth does not equal orgasming your baby out. Omg this WAS hilarious, and great writing.
However, these days it's so popular to dramatize the birth experience. You had SO MUCH pain, etc. You had to have this or that, the list goes on, like no one has ever had a baby before and your experience was just so over the top and you had to have x, y, and z.
I'm not trying to trivialize anyone's experience. But there is a reason the US is so high in infant mortality for one of the wealthiest countries in the world. We have medicalized everything. The more you allow interventions the worst off your outcome is likely to be. I am going out on a limb here and am pretty sure I'll be excoriated for posting this. We have taken away women's agency and experience and therefore their confidence. Most healthy women can have a natural birth IF they are prepared. I prepared using Bradley and taught the Bradley method for a short time. There was extremism there too. Doctors didn't want to get involved with Bradley patients bc they questioned everything and ya know, being mostly men, they don't like that so much.
But fuck if I wasn't prepared! Although I had never given birth before I listened and learned and read as much as I could. I didn't laid flat on my back (CT's blood supply to the baby and than whoa now you need intervention.) Flat on be back makes it easier for the attendants, not good for the baby.
Rolling my eyes when I see both scenes in movies. No wonder the young women of today think that's how it is. Screaming and carrying on. Are there true medical emergencies? Hell yes. A lot would not occur, however, if we educated and gave women a chance. A better chance.
I can only hope this comment doesn't engender a slew of outraged women telling about how THEIR situation was dire and just so bad and and and. Yes, hose things do happen. But a lot shouldn't in this country.
Birth trauma in America is far too common, due to these unnecessary interventions and lack of informed consent. We do far too many c sections, starve birthing people, don't let them use gravity to help with labor and pushing, and over monitor. Like you said there's extremism in both groups but going in blind because you fully trust the medical team is about as bad as the natural birth cults.
I mean, I screamed a lot. No interventions, just screams. For most people, even in the best of circumstances, it’s likely to be the worst pain of their life, at least so far. Screaming and carrying on doesn’t mean there’s necessarily anything wrong, neither does excruciating pain. At the same time, there’s a lot of baseline health stuff to consider in the US that impacts interventions and a lot of people don’t *want* a medication-free, intervention-free birth.
I almost died during childbirth. At hour 15 in my wife’s birthing room, I put on loud rock music on the radio. Let’s just say she didn’t react well. Luckily she is a saint and eventually forgave me, but she still brings it up!
Laughter being a magic cure-all has been a recurring theme in my Substack inbox this week. Glad your sister came to her senses and all went well with your nephew's birth. Congratulations!
This was wickedly funny, I could feel the laughter trying to stay in and failing! Also I know one of these in real life! Said she planned on “her biggest orgasm ever during birth” and asked if that was what my birth was like. Well…no, no it wasn’t. She’s dating a man bun now and raps about periods
The orgasmic birth world is such a predatory spiritual bypass. It acts like women who have painful/intense birth experiences “didn’t do the work” or some similar narrative to that. It’s both disrespectful and ridiculous.
I fell for this in 2014 with my firstborn. The amount of formula shaming, medication shaming, hospital shaming that went on in that class was overwhelming. And yes we were told we could totally orgasm our way through birth…..
When I gave birth to my daughter I spent the entire 22 hours growling and spewing the words “No fucking way!” I was mortified at what women endure to bring children into the world. Nothing prepares you.
I'd never heard of orgasaming a baby out. Sounds borderline creepy! Scratch "borderline".
As soon as I finished reading and wiping the giggle tears out of my eyes, I thought to myself (out of habit), "Somewhere out there in a musty corner of the internet, there's a fetish site for this". Then I threw up in my mouth a little, gargled a bit o' listerine, and decided to make an espresso martini (the cheap mix in a bottle; "just add vodka" or whatever) and binge watch a 7 episode docudrama about ancient Rome, circa 2003.
I now say, with tears streaming down my face and extreme nausea, perhaps a bit of anxiety induced diarrhea (?), that can travel no further (farther?)..... I gotta run and... oh fu....!!!
"These people paid actual money to learn how to orgasm their baby out when I’m willing to bet my life savings on the fact that most of them didn’t even orgasm their baby in."
This is so great! I was a single mom by choice too and you better believe I had that sucker cut out of me. I was not interested in the drama, and preferred to cut to the chase. Orgasm births… just wow
I am so 100% with you. The roles are reversed in my family. I am the eldest but disastrous, my sister is the experience rich youngest, but it was her who fell for the natural birth slurry, and was left with stress incontinence for her troubles.
“These people paid actual money to learn how to orgasm their baby out when I’m willing to bet my life savings on the fact that most of them didn’t even orgasm their baby in.”
👌👌👌
I was proud of that zinger 🤣
I came here to quote the same thing!! Beyond hilarious and so unbelievably clever!!
Haha thank you!
...
Please forgive my impertinence, but I must share this thought:
Part of me wonders if that is because their child was conceived with the medical equivalent of a turkey baster, or if it's because their "men" are rather lacking in bed.
Hilarious story and great writing. As a four-time boulder pusher-outer, me and my vagina think there’s nothing funnier than people thinking they’re gonna hypno-chakra-manifest their way out of the physical experience
Amen to that!
Natural birth does not equal orgasming your baby out. Omg this WAS hilarious, and great writing.
However, these days it's so popular to dramatize the birth experience. You had SO MUCH pain, etc. You had to have this or that, the list goes on, like no one has ever had a baby before and your experience was just so over the top and you had to have x, y, and z.
I'm not trying to trivialize anyone's experience. But there is a reason the US is so high in infant mortality for one of the wealthiest countries in the world. We have medicalized everything. The more you allow interventions the worst off your outcome is likely to be. I am going out on a limb here and am pretty sure I'll be excoriated for posting this. We have taken away women's agency and experience and therefore their confidence. Most healthy women can have a natural birth IF they are prepared. I prepared using Bradley and taught the Bradley method for a short time. There was extremism there too. Doctors didn't want to get involved with Bradley patients bc they questioned everything and ya know, being mostly men, they don't like that so much.
But fuck if I wasn't prepared! Although I had never given birth before I listened and learned and read as much as I could. I didn't laid flat on my back (CT's blood supply to the baby and than whoa now you need intervention.) Flat on be back makes it easier for the attendants, not good for the baby.
Rolling my eyes when I see both scenes in movies. No wonder the young women of today think that's how it is. Screaming and carrying on. Are there true medical emergencies? Hell yes. A lot would not occur, however, if we educated and gave women a chance. A better chance.
I can only hope this comment doesn't engender a slew of outraged women telling about how THEIR situation was dire and just so bad and and and. Yes, hose things do happen. But a lot shouldn't in this country.
Birth trauma in America is far too common, due to these unnecessary interventions and lack of informed consent. We do far too many c sections, starve birthing people, don't let them use gravity to help with labor and pushing, and over monitor. Like you said there's extremism in both groups but going in blind because you fully trust the medical team is about as bad as the natural birth cults.
I mean, I screamed a lot. No interventions, just screams. For most people, even in the best of circumstances, it’s likely to be the worst pain of their life, at least so far. Screaming and carrying on doesn’t mean there’s necessarily anything wrong, neither does excruciating pain. At the same time, there’s a lot of baseline health stuff to consider in the US that impacts interventions and a lot of people don’t *want* a medication-free, intervention-free birth.
I almost died during childbirth. At hour 15 in my wife’s birthing room, I put on loud rock music on the radio. Let’s just say she didn’t react well. Luckily she is a saint and eventually forgave me, but she still brings it up!
Hahahah
The best! We need to be friends.
Lamaze class was absurd.
The amount of shit we brought to my first delivery was embarrassing.
Every nurse looked at us with THAT look: rookies!
Second emergency C-section, all I brought was a toothbrush and nipple cream.
Ahh, birth idealists. Gotta love 'em.
They're so dang cute :)
Laughter being a magic cure-all has been a recurring theme in my Substack inbox this week. Glad your sister came to her senses and all went well with your nephew's birth. Congratulations!
haha thank you!!
This was wickedly funny, I could feel the laughter trying to stay in and failing! Also I know one of these in real life! Said she planned on “her biggest orgasm ever during birth” and asked if that was what my birth was like. Well…no, no it wasn’t. She’s dating a man bun now and raps about periods
BAHAHAHAHA OH LORD she sounds like a story your should write!!!
The orgasmic birth world is such a predatory spiritual bypass. It acts like women who have painful/intense birth experiences “didn’t do the work” or some similar narrative to that. It’s both disrespectful and ridiculous.
YESSS I couldn’t agree more. I was enraged.
I agree with this SO much. It’s extremely perverse.
The only possible answer was just what came out: Full on, uninhibited laughter! Good for your sista!
I fell for this in 2014 with my firstborn. The amount of formula shaming, medication shaming, hospital shaming that went on in that class was overwhelming. And yes we were told we could totally orgasm our way through birth…..
It's pure insanity! Glad you made it out alive!!
I laughed the whole way through this article. Thanks, I needed that.
Aw thank you so much!
When I gave birth to my daughter I spent the entire 22 hours growling and spewing the words “No fucking way!” I was mortified at what women endure to bring children into the world. Nothing prepares you.
This was so raw and delightfully funny!!! 🫀
Haha right??? They closed the door, I was cycling through every cuss word I knew on full volume! Thank you!!!
I laughed so hard at this.
I'd never heard of orgasaming a baby out. Sounds borderline creepy! Scratch "borderline".
As soon as I finished reading and wiping the giggle tears out of my eyes, I thought to myself (out of habit), "Somewhere out there in a musty corner of the internet, there's a fetish site for this". Then I threw up in my mouth a little, gargled a bit o' listerine, and decided to make an espresso martini (the cheap mix in a bottle; "just add vodka" or whatever) and binge watch a 7 episode docudrama about ancient Rome, circa 2003.
Thanks for the much needed hilarity!
HAHAHAHA I kinda wanna Google this now--but I'm on my work computer and I need my job so can you do it and report back please?
LOL Thanks for the laugh!
Oh good gravy.... https://drmarkgriffiths.wordpress.com/2014/11/10/when-push-comes-to-love-a-brief-look-at-childbirth-fetishism/
I now say, with tears streaming down my face and extreme nausea, perhaps a bit of anxiety induced diarrhea (?), that can travel no further (farther?)..... I gotta run and... oh fu....!!!
Omg! This is some excellent internet sleuthing!
Chalk it up to absolutely insatiable curiosity!
Colour me impressed!
"These people paid actual money to learn how to orgasm their baby out when I’m willing to bet my life savings on the fact that most of them didn’t even orgasm their baby in."
I’m dying 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hahah I was proud of that one, thank you 🤣🤣
As you should 😁
❤️❤️
This is so great! I was a single mom by choice too and you better believe I had that sucker cut out of me. I was not interested in the drama, and preferred to cut to the chase. Orgasm births… just wow
Wow indeed!
I am so 100% with you. The roles are reversed in my family. I am the eldest but disastrous, my sister is the experience rich youngest, but it was her who fell for the natural birth slurry, and was left with stress incontinence for her troubles.
On a less funny front - it seems like ‘Natural birth’ has been killing women and babies in the UK for years: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cw4d4pkw954o.amp
On a lighter note, this OB has thoughts about orgasmic birth and these thoughts are negative:
http://www.skepticalob.com/2012/03/orgasmic-birth-and-other-fairytales.html
I will check these out!