Kid Rules Demystified for Clueless Adults
Parenting doesn’t come with a manual, but being a kid does.
Kid Rule 1: The day they buy it in bulk is the day you stop liking it.
Reasoning: Your adult will be happy to suck away at 120 apple sauce pouches from Costco because you thought you liked them when they tasted “different-good” at Emma’s house.
Kid Rule 2: Never reveal how your day was at school.
How was it? Fine. What did you learn? Nothing. Snitches get stitches.
Reasoning: School’s private. Your adult doesn’t need to know who you’re threatening to uninvite from your birthday party, or which teacher yelled at you for being “too chatty” on the carpet. Besides, kids talk too much. Your adult can only take in so much information in a day. They’d rather hear about more interesting things like that dream you had last night, right down to the last detail.
Exception: When you didn’t eat your lunch. An untouched lunch requires an exhaustive review of every single thing that happened during that 20-minute window that “wasn’t your fault”, and you better make it compelling.
Kid Rule 3: While eating any meal you can be chair adjacent, but you must never sit directly on a chair.
Feel free to stage a dramatic fall off the chair you weren’t even sitting on in the first place.
Reasoning: Life is full of surprises. You may need to produce an immediate reenactment of a cool new move you learned at recess, or have an emergency bathroom situation just as you’re about to take that first bite of dinner. Three words: Always Be Vigilant.
Kid Rule 4: Should you need to vomit, you may vomit in a bed, a car seat, or on a rug.
There are no other acceptable locations.
Reasoning: Your adult is old and tired. They don’t want to be bending down to scrub the floor. Aiming high prevents them from backbreaking cleanup. Plus, rugs just go in the washing machine, right?
Kid Rule 5: A tissue is for single wipes only.
You must take a new tissue for each subsequent wipe. After dark, you must use the wall just above your bed.
Exceptions: This was a test. You failed. There are none.
Kid Rule 6: Always talk while brushing your teeth.
If your adult is brushing their own teeth, this is the perfect time to ask a question and demand an immediate answer.
Reasoning: They’re free and available, it’s a good time.
Note: you must spit somewhere near the sink, but never directly into the sink. You wouldn’t want to clog the drain now, would you?
Kid Rule 7: Weekends are for waking up early.
You may feel tired from these early mornings. Monday is a great day to catch up on some sleep.
Exception: Holiday Mondays. On these days your adult is so happy to be free from work. They just want to spend more time with you. Wake up early and often. Sleep in on Tuesday instead.
Kid Rule 8: All surfaces are for arts and crafts.
Your adult may try to assign you to one table, but your genius cannot be contained to a singular physical space.
Note: Don’t forget to remove any artwork from the garbage can. Your adult is busy and distracted, they didn’t mean to throw out your partially-glued glitter blob named Bob.
Kid Rule 9: When presented with a new food, you must declare it to be “yucky”.
You may want to eat it. You may even love it. Your adult cannot know this.
Reasoning: It’s important to keep adults on their toes. Thinking fast keeps their brain cells sharp and wards off dementia. Plus, adults are tired. Quick surges of rage are stronger than a cup of coffee, this should wake them right up so they can pay close attention to your dream description.
Kid Rule 10: When in a public washroom with an adult, it’s customary to make a loud observation.
Try: “YOU HAVE HAIR DOWN THERE?!” or “DO YOU HAVE TO POO?” or “MOMMY YOU’RE BLEEDING DO YOU NEED A BANDAID?”
Reasoning: Adults are always stressed about time. This helps them move faster. They will thank you for the savings.
Note: Touch everything, especially that cute little treasure chest on the wall known to adults as a tampon receptacle. Adults also love when you threaten to open the door while they’re midstream.
Kid Rule 11: Try not to listen to your adult, and certainly never acknowledge that you’ve heard them.
Reasoning: Your adult deserves privacy. Ignoring them gives them a sense of freedom and agency to speak their minds without having to worry about censoring themselves around children.
Exception: If they swear, listen carefully and repeat often. Adults love hearing kids use big words. A robust vocabulary is a sign of intelligence. They will want to rub this in their friends’ stupid faces.
Kid Rule 12: If your adult calls you, yell “coming”.
Never come.
Reasoning: Your adult has a lot to do. You are buying them time to complete a variety of different activities such as pacing the hall (getting those steps in!), sending a few text messages (watch that to-do list vanish!), going to the bathroom again (bladder infection microbes begone!). Watch that productivity soar.
This story originally appeared in Jane Austin’s Wastebasket.
Quick surges of rage are better than a cup of coffee 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
It's like you were there when my kids were growing up!
Hilarious!
If you need a #13 it could be: Always perform a flying elbow drop on your father’s crotch whenever he is in a prone position.