How to Be the Best Narcissist

Make sure everyone knows how you sacrificed to get here

This brilliant photo was created by me in Canva and it took forever but also I’m naturally gifted in design and I’ll do anything for my readers because I’m a #empath.

Master social media.

When making social media posts, it’s best to keep them vague and attention-grabbing. Try “I can’t believe this is happening to me!” or “Not again!” Remember, an uncaptioned hospital selfie can go a long way.

Remember to ghost your followers immediately after publishing your status. The key is to garner as much public concern as possible. You can check in hours later to bask in all of the likes and expressions of concern you receive.

If you’re posting a photo, only post selfies. What currency does a photo have if you aren’t at the centre of it?

Your newborn nephew is cute, but you know what’s cuter? A close-up of your gorgeous sun-kissed face kissing his tiny cheek.

Find a cute dog? The dog is not the story here. Out of everyone, this dog chose you because all animals adore you. Animals can sense your altruistic nature, and you have the selfie to prove it.

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Demonstrate that you are so empathetic that other people’s suffering causes you to suffer even more than they are.

Easy! First, work the words “As an empath” into most sentences. Next, make sure everyone knows the person suffering is one of your “closest friends”. Finally, express how profoundly you are affected by this person’s situation.

Let’s practice with some examples:

A peripheral friend dies: Tell everyone that you are the one who started the meal train WhatsApp group. Sure, all you did was add people to a group, your crippling grief prevents you from making any actual meals. In fact, you haven’t eaten a single thing since they died and you need everyone to know that.

A critically ill colleague: You are so devastated by the news of their illness that you are on stress leave. Your sick colleague hasn’t missed a day of work because they need to save their sick days for their surgical recovery but you are just suffering more than them because you are an empath.

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Make every story an Oscar-winning performance.

Be sure to place yourself at the centre of any story and emphasize your suffering and selflessness.

Let’s practice with some examples:

Your child’s swim competition: When describing their big win, disregard how hard they practiced, their grit and determination. Instead, focus on how early you had to get up to drive them, how stressed out you felt watching them race, and how irreversibly damaged your leather jacket got because you just had to hug your kid after they won.

Birth of your nephew: Your sister’s 31-hour labour and emergency c-section was probably hard, but you know what was harder? That bench you had to sit on in the waiting room. Your sister caused you to miss the Lululemon annual sale and there wasn’t even a Starbucks.

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Place yourself at the center of every event.

Events are a great way to celebrate your numerous accomplishments. To host a successful narcissistic event, make sure you are always the guest of honor.

Anything can be a celebration all about you with an ounce of creativity!

Did you introduce the happy couple? Then their wedding is your wedding! Your son’s 7th birthday? Try: It’s the seventh anniversary of my infected C-section! The 20th anniversary of the traumatic death of your iguana? These are all great opportunities to celebrate your resilience and awesomeness!

Invite all of your “closest friends” and pressure them into attending because why wouldn’t they want to come to your event?

Tip: Make sure every event is bring-your-own-everything themed and it’s best to host at someone else’s digs; it wouldn’t be fair to make you lift a finger at your own celebration!

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Get outraged by trivial things.

It is important to surround yourself with drama so you can seek as much validation and sympathy as possible from others.

You don’t know her last name but how dare Nancy from your Mom & Tot group at Starbucks name her second baby Emma when you named your daughter Emma first. Sure it was the most popular girl’s name of 2023 but still how could one of your closest friends do that to you?

Just remember, you are always the victim and nothing is ever your fault.

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Remember you are the best person ever (but you already knew that.)

This is the most important lesson of all. You must maintain an inflated sense of self at all times. There is no room for self-doubt, insight or self-consciousness.

Go ahead, apply to jobs you aren’t anywhere near qualified for, flaunt your ageless beauty, and be loud and proud about all of the ways you’ve been mistreated.

People are always going to try to drag you down but you won’t let those haters get to you because you know they’re just jealous.

Bottom line? You don’t need some guide to teach you how to be the best narcissist because like everything else, you already are.

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This story originally appeared in Jane Austin’s Wastebasket.

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